Dazed and Confused

I once had a psychiatrist tell me that the more severe depressions you go through in life, the more likely you are to have another one. So if you’ve only had one extreme sad period, you will more than likely never go through another. Yet if you have experienced 2 or 3, your likelihood increases exponentially.

I bring this up because I was wondering if heartache is like depression. I am obviously going through a broken heart period right now (coupled with a big depression. Lucky me!) and cope with it because I have gone through 2 previous big heart breaks. I survived when my only long-term beau so far started seeing his current wife (we dated for almost 5 years and almost got married but he was my first boyfriend so didn’t want to marry him), and I survived the end of Zach, the first guy that seemed to think I was God’s gift (in the end this was too much pressure and it turned out we weren’t that compatible anyway). So I will survive this.

But does it get easier or harder? Better or worse? I guess it’s easier because I know I have made it through others so have the experience to know it’s not the end of the world. But it’s harder because I ain’t getting any younger and I’m bummed that yet another guy isn’t “the one.” It’s better because I’m realizing that I’m getting closer to figuring out the perfect guy for me, but it’s worse because what if I just keep meeting more Mr. Wrongs and haven’t really learned anything in the last 10+ years of dating?

Every morning I wake up and cry about being alone and unsure of the future. This isn’t all about Jude, it’s about having a non-supportive, apathetic family and few close friends. This actually has me bummed out more than anything. I know a lot of people and have people to call when I need someone to talk to or cheer me up, but no one I call a best friend. Jude was probably the closest thing but I feel that most of his behavior was fake and just a ploy to get me to fall in love with him. Why you ask? I’m not sure. Maybe to feel better about himself? Or to simply know that he can? Or maybe he was just being selfish and doing what he wanted and didn’t intend for me to develop feelings?

I tell myself that a conversation with him now wouldn’t solve anything. It would just set me back emotionally and wouldn’t change anything. I just want to know what the card said. The card he sent along with the pictures that Karen threw away. The card that had intimate words meant just for me and that might have made me feel better. I hate Karen for throwing away that card. I think she did if for my own good, but who is she to determine that? If it had been me I wouldn’t have thrown the card away. I would have saved it for a time when she was ready to read the probably sweet words that were written. I know you think I’m being silly, but I’m extremely sensitive and even though I am making the right decision about cutting him from my life, I would have liked to have seen the effort he gave to try to keep our friendship.

It doesn’t matter because what’s done is done. I sent him a very mean email last week and I’m sure he has given up the fight. I told him that I thought he was a pig and that the way he treats women is disgusting. I told him I was disappointed and ashamed of him and didn’t want to be a member of his fan club any longer (inside joke). I shouldn’t have sent it because it was passive aggressive and probably out of the blue for him, but it was how I felt and I figured as long as we weren’t going to be friends any longer, I should tell him my true feelings. I had been afraid to before because I didn’t want him to be angry with me, but I don’t care anymore. I’m tired of not saying how I feel and hiding my true colors just to be liked. I’m done with that. I’m probably going to piss a lot of people off, but that’s ok by me.

Maybe this whole thing was meant to happen to teach me to not be passive aggressive and to make me more confident. I now no longer feel the need to cater to any man, no matter how good-looking or charming. Maybe this heartache has all been for the best…

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