It’s been almost 3 weeks since I’ve spoken to Jude. He called a few times earlier this week, but I nipped that in the bud by sending him an email asking him to stop. I kind of lied and told him that I had met someone and needed space, but I just couldn’t be mean. And it’s not entirely untrue because I’ve met a few guys that are interesting, I’m just not interested because I compare them to Jude. Once he’s out of the picture, I’m sure I’ll be able to move on.
I feel really anxious about the whole thing because I hate that I’m a) lying to my friend, and b) avoiding someone I care a lot about. So I’ve decided to make a list of all the reasons he’s isn’t my friend and should not be in my life:
1.) He once told me that I was crazy and that it was a mistake inviting me into his house because I might murder him in the middle of the night. (This was said after I took a peek at his cellphone and saw that he was chatting with some girl he had met earlier that month. Maybe it was crazy behavior, but it didn’t require such a mean reaction.)
2.) He has a blog and when he came and visited me in Seattle back in December he didn’t write one word about it, while mentioning every other place he went after he left the US. I asked him why he didn’t mention that he had been in Seattle and he said in an annoyed voice, “Why would I?”
3.) Whenever I mentioned sleeping with someone, a guy, he would act jealous and say, “Please let’s not talk about you sleeping with other people,” yet he mentioned a few encounters with women he had after I left the UK without a single ounce of sensitivity.
4.) He knows how I feel about him, yet he is always mentioning the possibility of meeting someone and getting married. I know this is my hyper-sensitivity to the fact that he doesn’t want to be with me, more than him being a jerk.
5.) Other girls he met after me have written me emails and tried to be nice to me. WTF?! I have never once had the desire to write an email to a girl that he mentioned that I didn’t know. He is either talking about how pathetic I am to these girls and they feel important enough to him to feel they can write to me, or he just talks about me all of the time and they’re trying to gauge my importance to him. Either way, I don’t want it happening anymore…
6.) As evidenced by the Skype conversation we had while he was in Poland, and a few other instances, he doesn’t really even like me and thinks I’m a stupid, awkward person. Why would I be in love with someone who sees my every character trait as a flaw? I know I can be odd and awkward and insecure, but that’s who I am. The person I love should accept these “flaws” and love me for them, not in spite of them.
7.) We have talked several times about how my feelings affect our relationship and how he should just leave me alone, yet he still calls and emails. I have tried numerous times to cut him out of my life without success. Until now.
8.) I am obsessed with the idea of him, even though I know, deep down, that he isn’t the guy for me. I keep thinking in the back of my head that he will fall madly in love with me and see how awesome I am. This is NEVER going to happen. I need to keep telling myself this and hopefully by not talking to him I’ll regain my sanity and realize how much of a loser he is. 🙂
9.) He is a 40-year-old web designer living in a rented apartment about a hair salon in England; he’s never been married, or even close; he has had A LOT of sex with many, many women; almost everything out of his mouth is a sexual innuendo; he has made amateur sex videos and has hundreds of sex pictures (not digital) and; he can get away with all of this because he’s remarkably good-looking and charming as hell. None of these are good reasons for wanting to marry the neanderthal. In fact, they’re all very good reasons for running far away very fast.
At least by meeting him I know what I want in a guy. He did have some good qualities, despite his many, many bad ones. He listened to me, most of the time, and always tried to be positive when I was overwhelmingly negative. He used to be able to cheer me up with his kindness and went out of his way to do nice things for me. I’ll find this in someone else some day, now that my heart is open to it. 🙂 He isn’t the last guy on the planet with these qualities.