Like the Walking Dead

I woke up this morning so tired. I got enough sleep, I just didn’t want to wake up. I have a lot of anxiety in the morning so can’t really sleep in, yet want to so badly! Besides, I have a friend here from out-of-town and I wanted to get up to make her breakfast before she went to her work meetings.

This depression is killing me. I wake up every morning wondering if I’m doing the right thing in life. I think everyone should do what makes them happy, but am having a hard time believing that what I’m doing will make me happy. I am embarking on a new career and am terrified. This is probably the 4th “career” I’ve been passionate about so I’m a little wary. I wanted to be a teacher, but failed; a professional organizer, but lost motivation; and a paralegal, but lost my job. The studying part was always fun; it was the following through that impeded my progress.

My therapist suggested that fear was the reason I couldn’t finish anything. But what am I afraid of? I think it was more laziness and when things get too hard I give up. So I’m just waiting for my new venture to bore me and to lose hope all over again. This is the negativity that everyone in my life complains about. This is the pessimism that I’ve learned to embrace. This is the melancholy that scares men away and keeps me lonely.

When I met Jude I changed my attitude and tried to be more positive, because he was. His upbeat outlook was infectious and made me want to try harder to be happy. It only worked temporarily of course, and now I’m recovering from a major disappointment and it’s dragging me lower than I’ve been in a long time. I know it will get better, because it always does, but it’s getting harder and harder to recover from these emotional setbacks.

I think the whole Jude thing disappoints me so much because I thought I’d finally met someone I would spend the rest of my life with. But now I’m still alone. It has at least cured of me of my desperation at finding a man. Now I subscribe to the whole idea that if it is going to happen, it will. Like the guy I met on the bus a couple of weeks ago. It would have felt forced and unnatural if we had gone any further than just pleasant bus conversation. He was just a nice way to spend a usually dull 15 minute bus ride, not a soul mate.

I know the longer I go without talking to him, the better off I’ll be. I’ll meet people and pursue relationships and be happy again. The tiny, pinprick of a light at the end of this tunnel is slowly getting bigger…