Good Night, and Good Luck

I think this blog has run its course. I thought the constant writing down of my feelings would help, but I think it’s actually keeping me sad. I don’t want to be sad anymore.

I just want to move on and forget that any of this happened. I still think about Jude every day (gag!) and think about contacting him and know it’s in my best interests not to. I don’t want to dwell on the negative things, although that’s mostly what pops into my head, because he isn’t a bad person, just a bad influence on me.

Anyway, so this will be my last post for a long time, if not forever. I’ll keep following along with the blogs I’ve discovered since I started this blog, I just won’t have anything new to say here.

I will recover and move on and in time I’ll meet someone new and forget that I even knew Jude. Or maybe I’ll get to a point where I’ll stop thinking about him constantly and he and I can be friends again. Whatever happens will be for the best.

Take care and see you out there in blog world. 🙂

Dazed and Confused

I once had a psychiatrist tell me that the more severe depressions you go through in life, the more likely you are to have another one. So if you’ve only had one extreme sad period, you will more than likely never go through another. Yet if you have experienced 2 or 3, your likelihood increases exponentially.

I bring this up because I was wondering if heartache is like depression. I am obviously going through a broken heart period right now (coupled with a big depression. Lucky me!) and cope with it because I have gone through 2 previous big heart breaks. I survived when my only long-term beau so far started seeing his current wife (we dated for almost 5 years and almost got married but he was my first boyfriend so didn’t want to marry him), and I survived the end of Zach, the first guy that seemed to think I was God’s gift (in the end this was too much pressure and it turned out we weren’t that compatible anyway). So I will survive this.

But does it get easier or harder? Better or worse? I guess it’s easier because I know I have made it through others so have the experience to know it’s not the end of the world. But it’s harder because I ain’t getting any younger and I’m bummed that yet another guy isn’t “the one.” It’s better because I’m realizing that I’m getting closer to figuring out the perfect guy for me, but it’s worse because what if I just keep meeting more Mr. Wrongs and haven’t really learned anything in the last 10+ years of dating?

Every morning I wake up and cry about being alone and unsure of the future. This isn’t all about Jude, it’s about having a non-supportive, apathetic family and few close friends. This actually has me bummed out more than anything. I know a lot of people and have people to call when I need someone to talk to or cheer me up, but no one I call a best friend. Jude was probably the closest thing but I feel that most of his behavior was fake and just a ploy to get me to fall in love with him. Why you ask? I’m not sure. Maybe to feel better about himself? Or to simply know that he can? Or maybe he was just being selfish and doing what he wanted and didn’t intend for me to develop feelings?

I tell myself that a conversation with him now wouldn’t solve anything. It would just set me back emotionally and wouldn’t change anything. I just want to know what the card said. The card he sent along with the pictures that Karen threw away. The card that had intimate words meant just for me and that might have made me feel better. I hate Karen for throwing away that card. I think she did if for my own good, but who is she to determine that? If it had been me I wouldn’t have thrown the card away. I would have saved it for a time when she was ready to read the probably sweet words that were written. I know you think I’m being silly, but I’m extremely sensitive and even though I am making the right decision about cutting him from my life, I would have liked to have seen the effort he gave to try to keep our friendship.

It doesn’t matter because what’s done is done. I sent him a very mean email last week and I’m sure he has given up the fight. I told him that I thought he was a pig and that the way he treats women is disgusting. I told him I was disappointed and ashamed of him and didn’t want to be a member of his fan club any longer (inside joke). I shouldn’t have sent it because it was passive aggressive and probably out of the blue for him, but it was how I felt and I figured as long as we weren’t going to be friends any longer, I should tell him my true feelings. I had been afraid to before because I didn’t want him to be angry with me, but I don’t care anymore. I’m tired of not saying how I feel and hiding my true colors just to be liked. I’m done with that. I’m probably going to piss a lot of people off, but that’s ok by me.

Maybe this whole thing was meant to happen to teach me to not be passive aggressive and to make me more confident. I now no longer feel the need to cater to any man, no matter how good-looking or charming. Maybe this heartache has all been for the best…

F*** Jude! :D

Top Ten Reasons I’m Too Good To Obsess Over Any Man:

10.) I’m smart;

9.) I’m moderately attractive and have men telling me so quite often;

8.) I have a pretty decent sense of humor, even if it is only me that laughs the majority of the time;

7.) I have a new career goal and ambition to follow it through;

6.) There is no man on the planet worth being obsessed about. Everyone has baggage and while some people seem to fall in “love” frequently, it is actually kind of unique, and hard, to find someone that wants to share a life with you. (Ok, I know Brad Pitt seems pretty cool, but I bet he has some sort of issue. Like butt acne or something);

5.) If I’m not happy alone, I’m not going to be happy in a relationship. I’m the only one responsible for my happiness, not any other person. If I don’t like myself, how do I expect anyone else to love me?;

4.) I have friends and family that love me. And some day, I’ll have cats. Lots of cats that love me and require me to take care of them, for the most part. That’s a nice thought;

3.) I am an independent, thoughtful, lovely person that doesn’t need a man in my life (this doesn’t mean I am a Nazi feminist or anything, I just like the idea that there are things I can accomplish by myself);

2.) I have learned the art of self-love and am able to bring myself to orgasm quicker than any man; and the #1 reason I am too good to obsess over any man is:

1.) There are plenty of other things to obsess over like adult acne, cellulite, fat thighs, stretch marks and gray hair. 🙂

Here’s to meeting new people and discovering new things!

Other Times I Can Barely See

So I came home Saturday to a package from Jude. He had sent a card, pictures and a DVD of British t.v. shows he thought I might enjoy. I didn’t read the card, but instead gave it to Karen who read it and told me he wasn’t trying to cleanse me from his life, as the pics seemed to demonstrate. He is just  used to  getting what he wants and being the pushee, rather than the pusher. It’s all an ego thing.

Sunday was really difficult and I almost emailed and called Jude. We both really enjoy Formula 1 and there was a race this past weekend. Watching it made me think of him and I came so close to just picking up the phone and calling him. Luckily I was with a friend, so knew it wasn’t an option. So for the next 10 hours or so, I wrote emails in my head that I wanted to send him. But I just kept telling myself that is what he wants and that it wouldn’t get me anywhere.

He knows me well enough to know that  I usually appreciate everything and am touched by the slightest kindness. I’m sure he expects this to break the silence and make me run back to him, but he’s wrong. Well, he’s right, but my willpower and self-esteem are getting stronger every day so I’m able to keep myself from doing anything I’ll regret.

I feel so empty without him, but I know it doesn’t mean anything more than I was addicted to him. He used to make me feel good and I used to really enjoy talking to him. But now I hate the idea of hearing about his travels and am jealous of any girl he mentions. I told a friend that I need to keep him out of my life so that I could move on and meet new people, but she corrected me and said that I need to keep him out of my life so that I could find myself again, and the reward of that would be meeting a new guy.

I often wonder what the universe has up its sleeve when it comes to my life. It seems that every guy I meet these days is unavailable to me in some way. It’s like I’m not supposed to meet anyone yet. I am supposed to be building my self-esteem back up, but all the men in my life are either attached or not interested. Which makes me feel a little unwanted. Which is just how I felt with Jude, so why can’t the universe reward me for all of the hard work I’m doing to improve myself and let me meet a great guy that actually likes me? Why do I have to be so perfect, while people with far more problems than I are hooking up and falling in love all over the place? I know life isn’t fair sometimes, but jiminy christmas! A little personal sunshine in my life would be nice right about now.

Maybe I’m supposed to be focusing on my career and my 5-year plan and the Universe has something special in store for me that doesn’t involve a man or children. I guess that would be cool, but on some level I’d almost rather have nothing as long as I found love. I’m just tired of dating and having random sex but never really connecting with anyone. Am I really that bad? Is there really something so awful about me that no one can love me long-term?

I am tired of the negativity and overwhelming bad feelings I have. I’m tired of trying to convince myself that I’m not a stupid, ugly, awful person. I’m tired of meeting eligible guys that aren’t interested. I’m tired of life.

Some day I’ll look back and read these blog posts and be thankful that this phase of my life is over. I’ll wonder why I was so obsessed with Jude and how I just couldn’t get happy or forget about him. Someday. Until then, I’ll just take it one day at a time and hope that each day I get closer to being fulfilled again.

Like the Walking Dead

I woke up this morning so tired. I got enough sleep, I just didn’t want to wake up. I have a lot of anxiety in the morning so can’t really sleep in, yet want to so badly! Besides, I have a friend here from out-of-town and I wanted to get up to make her breakfast before she went to her work meetings.

This depression is killing me. I wake up every morning wondering if I’m doing the right thing in life. I think everyone should do what makes them happy, but am having a hard time believing that what I’m doing will make me happy. I am embarking on a new career and am terrified. This is probably the 4th “career” I’ve been passionate about so I’m a little wary. I wanted to be a teacher, but failed; a professional organizer, but lost motivation; and a paralegal, but lost my job. The studying part was always fun; it was the following through that impeded my progress.

My therapist suggested that fear was the reason I couldn’t finish anything. But what am I afraid of? I think it was more laziness and when things get too hard I give up. So I’m just waiting for my new venture to bore me and to lose hope all over again. This is the negativity that everyone in my life complains about. This is the pessimism that I’ve learned to embrace. This is the melancholy that scares men away and keeps me lonely.

When I met Jude I changed my attitude and tried to be more positive, because he was. His upbeat outlook was infectious and made me want to try harder to be happy. It only worked temporarily of course, and now I’m recovering from a major disappointment and it’s dragging me lower than I’ve been in a long time. I know it will get better, because it always does, but it’s getting harder and harder to recover from these emotional setbacks.

I think the whole Jude thing disappoints me so much because I thought I’d finally met someone I would spend the rest of my life with. But now I’m still alone. It has at least cured of me of my desperation at finding a man. Now I subscribe to the whole idea that if it is going to happen, it will. Like the guy I met on the bus a couple of weeks ago. It would have felt forced and unnatural if we had gone any further than just pleasant bus conversation. He was just a nice way to spend a usually dull 15 minute bus ride, not a soul mate.

I know the longer I go without talking to him, the better off I’ll be. I’ll meet people and pursue relationships and be happy again. The tiny, pinprick of a light at the end of this tunnel is slowly getting bigger…

Got to keep moving on….

It’s been almost 3 weeks since I’ve spoken to Jude. He called a few times earlier this week, but I nipped that in the bud by sending him an email asking him to stop. I kind of lied and told him that I had met someone and needed space, but I just couldn’t be mean. And it’s not entirely untrue because I’ve met a few guys that are interesting, I’m just not interested because I compare them to Jude. Once he’s out of the picture, I’m sure I’ll be able to move on.

I feel really anxious about the whole thing because I hate that I’m a) lying to my friend, and b) avoiding someone I care a lot about. So I’ve decided to make a list of all the reasons he’s isn’t my friend and should not be in my life:

1.) He once told me that I was crazy and that it was a mistake inviting me into his house because I might murder him in the middle of the night. (This was said after I took a peek at his cellphone and saw that he was chatting with some girl he had met earlier that month. Maybe it was crazy behavior, but it didn’t require such a mean reaction.)

2.) He has a blog and when he came and visited me in Seattle back in December he didn’t write one word about it, while mentioning every other place he went after he left the US. I asked him why he didn’t mention that he had been in Seattle and he said in an annoyed voice, “Why would I?”

3.) Whenever I mentioned sleeping with someone, a guy, he would act jealous and say, “Please let’s not talk about you sleeping with other people,” yet he mentioned a few encounters with women he had after I left the UK without a single ounce of sensitivity.

4.) He knows how I feel about him, yet he is always mentioning the possibility of meeting someone and getting married. I know this is my hyper-sensitivity to the fact that he doesn’t want to be with me, more than him being a jerk.

5.)  Other girls he met after me have written me emails and tried to be nice to me. WTF?! I have never once had the desire to write an email to a girl that he mentioned that I didn’t know. He is either talking about how pathetic I am to these girls and they feel important enough to him to feel they can write to me, or he just talks about me all of the time and they’re trying to gauge my importance to him. Either way, I don’t want it happening anymore…

6.) As evidenced by the Skype conversation we had while he was in Poland, and a few other instances, he doesn’t really even like me and thinks I’m a stupid, awkward person. Why would I be in love with someone who sees my every character trait as a flaw? I know I can be odd and awkward and insecure, but that’s who I am. The person I love should accept these “flaws” and love me for them, not in spite of them.

7.) We have talked several times about how my feelings affect our relationship and how he should just leave me alone, yet he still calls and emails. I have tried numerous times to cut him out of my life without success. Until now.

8.) I am obsessed with the idea of him, even though I know, deep down, that he isn’t the guy for me. I keep thinking in the back of my head that he will fall madly in love with me and see how awesome I am. This is NEVER going to happen. I need to keep telling myself this and hopefully by not talking to him I’ll regain my sanity and realize how much of a loser he is. 🙂

9.) He is a 40-year-old web designer living in a rented apartment about a hair salon in England; he’s never been married, or even close; he has had A LOT of sex with many, many women; almost everything out of his mouth is a sexual innuendo; he has made amateur sex videos and has hundreds of sex pictures (not digital) and; he can get away with all of this because he’s remarkably good-looking and charming as hell. None of these are good reasons for wanting to marry the neanderthal. In fact, they’re all very good reasons for running far away very fast.

At least by meeting him I know what I want in a guy. He did have some good qualities, despite his many, many bad ones. He listened to me, most of the time, and always tried to be positive when I was overwhelmingly negative. He used to be able to cheer me up with his kindness and went out of his way to do nice things for me. I’ll find this in someone else some day, now that my heart is open to it. 🙂 He isn’t the last guy on the planet with these qualities.

Mist at my window, no leaf on my tree

So it’s been over a week since I last spoke to Jude. I haven’t emailed or called him and I’m not sure if he’s sent me any messages because I’ve blocked his address from my account. I got a postcard from him on Monday or Tuesday from Poland that I wasn’t allowed to read. Karen snatched it as soon as it arrived and immediately threw it in the trash. Maybe a bit extreme, but necessary.

I miss him. He hasn’t called, which makes me think that he is either stuck in Europe somewhere, because of the ash cloud, or aware that I am avoiding him. I’m glad because his phone calls are what I find hardest to ignore, but there’s a small part of me (and it gets smaller every day) that is a little hurt that he hasn’t called. Hurt because I thought he was such a good friend, yet here he is, not calling and seeming not to care that we are out of touch. I guess this means that I’m doing the right thing and someday I’ll look back and wonder what I ever saw in him in the first place. I cannot wait for that day.

I can’t imagine dating right now because I’m not even remotely interested in being with anyone. This makes not talking to Jude even more important because the longer I go with no contact, the better I feel about myself. It kind of annoys me that I let someone dictate my emotions and behavior so much. I guess I still have a lot to learn. It actually makes me afraid to fall in love again. I hate how jealous and insecure I get when I’m in love. It has less to do with the fact that Jude was attractive and more to do with the fact that it was unrequited love and I feel like such a failure because he didn’t love me back. When I meet the right guy, will these feelings disappear? Will I need to get to a place of pure self-love before I can be in love again? Is this even possible?

I’m just tired of having 3-month relationships and casual sex. I’m tired of being in love with someone that doesn’t reciprocate, and I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of telling myself I’m an independent, strong woman because although I am, I don’t want this to be my reward for remaining single. I know I can change a flat tire, paint a room, fix a toilet, travel alone and buy a house but these things don’t bring me comfort and security, they only highlight the fact that I have no other choice.

I know some amazing women in their late 30s and 40s who work great jobs, live on their own and do wonderful things. I’m sure they feel they don’t need a partner, but if they are 100% honest with themselves, I’m sure they’d say that they want one. Who wouldn’t? No one is an island.

And do you know what else I hate? That men in their 40s/50s can marry younger women and still have families while if we don’t procreate by 40, the risks increase and having healthy children is less likely. Sure. women have children into their 40s, but most doctors recommend against it and who wants a teenager when you’re 60? I know there are women out there who say, pshaw,  I can do what I want and have children when I want and blah, blah, blah. More power to them. I don’t believe a word they say and am definitely not one of them. As I said, I know I don’t need a partner, I just want one.

I’m tired of this game of life and wonder if I’ll ever feel happy again. I’m not suicidal, just not really excited about living this existence until I’m 80, or God forbid, older. Let’s hope something tremendous happens soon.

Serendipity

I have been trying to keep myself busy while I’ve been here for a few reasons. Many of which have to do with healing my broken heart, but for the most part I just like going out and meeting new people and having fun. I am a bit reserved sometimes and it takes me awhile to relax, but once I’m comfortable I love being around lots of people.

So a few weeks ago I volunteered for a Gay Pride event (when in San Francisco…) that took place last night. I got all dolled up to arrive early and enjoy the party before my shift started at 10 PM. Yes, I had the coveted (not!) load-out time slot. I don’t have a car here so took the bus in my heels and fancy dress. I clean up well, so was getting a few admiring glances from people who made my tender heart feel nice. The bus I should have taken was going to be a 15-minute wait, so I opted to take the next bus that arrived, even though it would drop me a few blocks farther than my high-heeled ankles would have preferred walking.

As I queued to board the bus, an attractive, bearded young guy (I do like my facial hair) allowed me to get on before him, even though he was carrying two heavy grocery bags. I was happy when he took the vacant seat next to me and was hoping he would be the first to speak. Not being shy and feeling confident, and also genuinely needing help, I asked him what stop was my best bet in getting to the venue I needed to reach. He didn’t know, as he had just moved up here from L.A., but this lit the fire and started our conversation. We talked for the next 5-10 minutes and I felt myself hoping he wouldn’t ask for my number. Not because I didn’t want him to, but because that didn’t feel organic. This was just two people enjoying each other’s company and flirting. I don’t have to tell you how much it made my night.

It made me realize that even though I still have a lot of healing to do (it annoys me how much Jude was a part of my life and how just about everything reminds me of him), there are other men out there that find me attractive. I let Jude make me feel bad about myself and hate my flaws and idiosyncrasies, but I am seeing every day how much that makes me who I am and I am not going to change myself for anyone.

I love coincidences and can’t wait until the next one!

Hello World! I hate you again!

I am now back in familiar territory, hating myself and acknowledging that I’m destined to be alone. Don’t feel the need to console me or be positive because I’ve learned through all of this bulls**t with Jude that I’m not a positive person and never will be. I’m going to embrace my negativity and self-loathing and wear the warm blanket of discontent happily.

Sure, to “normal” people this sounds awful, but it feels wonderful and comforting to me. I’ve been this way for so long now that there’s really no desire to change. What would be the point, anyway? I tried the positive outlook and look what it got me. Nothing more than what I was getting with my negative outlook, so why do anything different?

I’m not a victim nor do I think that bad things always happen to me. I simply believe that life happens whether you’re positive or negative. I’m either going to meet someone or I’m not. I’m either going to have children or I’m not. I am really sensitive and feel a lot of empathy for people who are alone because I know what it feels like. I still want other people to be happy, even though I’m not. I don’t think the world is out to get me, nor do I hate men. Life is what it is and there are people more fortunate in the game of life than I.

I will no longer talk to Jude because there is no longer any need to. I spoke to him a few days ago and realized that he thinks I’m an awkward, stupid person. He was in Poland with a mutual friend and wanted to Skype, so I agreed. We chatted for a bit and our Polish friend mentioned that in Poland it is illegal to drink and ride your bicycle. If you get caught, your license will be taken away, and if you don’t have a license you will be unable to get one for 5 years. I jokingly asked if Poland was still Communist and Jude shook his head and said, “I KNEW you were going to say that. You went and mentioned the ‘c’ word.” To me it implied that he expected me to say something offensive and impolite, even though our Polish friend didn’t seem to think what I said was either. It pissed me off immensely and I decided after the conversation was over that I didn’t want someone like that in my life. Why would I want to subject myself to someone who said he was my friend, but disliked me so much? I beat myself up enough about my awkwardness, I don’t need someone else to help.

I’m sad and lonely sitting here in a strange city where I have few friends, but I can’t help but feel a little relieved that I can go back to being myself. I no longer have to try to talk myself out of being friends with Jude or liking my roommate. I can just ignore Jude and dislike my roommate and be happy. I don’t have to paint everything with rainbows or see everything through rose-tinted glasses. Like Tom Hansen in (500) Days of Summer, “…you can’t ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence. That’s all anything ever is. Nothing more than coincidence.”

Here’s to the next coincidence.

Please shut the door while you’re peeing!

So while I’m wandering through life, lost and unemployed, I’ve decided to help relocate to San Francisco to help a friend do some DIY around her condo. She recently had a boyfriend help her redo all of the woodwork and since he went back to his country of origin to finish school, she thought she’d recruit me to help her.

I jumped at the chance to leave Seattle and living with my aunt to relative freedom in a new city. I really don’t know Karen* all that well, we met a couple of years ago when I was visiting SF and we have kept in sporadic contact. I remember when I met her how impressed I was by her independence and resourcefulness. She was a couple of years older than me and owned a condo in a posh neighborhood of SF. She was also a Jill of All Trades and knew a little about seemingly everything. She was a graphic designer, massage therapist, artist and tutor. She was smart and funny and beautiful and I envied her individuality and free-spiritedness.

So of course when she asked me to come spend a few months in SF watching her bird while she was on holiday (for 5 weeks), then helping her organize and redecorate, I jumped at the chance. Maybe a new city would motivate me and help me on the road to full recovery from the last year or so. I was so excited!

I arrived in late March, to a few days of acquaintance and organization of caring for the parrot while she was away. I was nervous to be alone in a strange city, but I was still thrilled to be in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. I’ve never cared for a bird before but figured how hard could it be? I’ve watched cats and dogs before, a bird was basically just another pet  but with wings, right? Wrong.

A parrot has a beak and talons. And is basically like a 3-yr old mean, mentally challenged child. She squawks and whistles for your attention and bites when she is agitated. She has to be played with (??) and stroked and made happy or else, this particular bird, could rip out her feathers in anger and bleed to death. Yay! Piece of cake….

The first full week I was so happy to finally be on my own that I didn’t leave the condo. I could finally wallow in my depression and stay in my pajamas all day and cry and watch rom-coms until I wanted to either leave the house or kill myself. I didn’t eat much because I needed to go grocery shopping but was too lazy and discouraged to do so. So the bird became used to me being around all of the time, so when I finally wanted to get out and start meeting people, she cried in protest. I had to bribe her with bread or apples to be able to sneak away while she ate. I also was expected to play music and/or a movie while I was gone for long periods so that she could hear people talking and not be in complete silence. And before I left I had to spend 10-15 solid minutes playing with her. This consisted of putting her on the floor and throwing a spoon that she went nuts for, or keeping her in her cage on her perch and giving her the spoon so that she could throw it at me. I would then give it back to her so she could throw it to me over and over.

Eventually she and I bonded and I got used to her sounds and wants and needs. I was able to leave for several hours at a time to roam about the city and finally was getting my groove. I was getting used to the place and the people and the weather (San Francisco is known for its crazy weather shifts) and finding my foot hold in this crazy world. I was figuring out what I wanted to do with my life and becoming happy again. Or so I thought. After 5 weeks of soul-searching solitude, Karen was returning from her vacation.

I was kind of excited, but also a little resentful that my freedom was coming to an end. Once she came back, I’d have to help her with housework and I wouldn’t have the place to myself anymore. I love people, but sometimes crave alone time to get my bearings. I feared this was going to end.

She has been back for 4 whole days now and I’m absolutely miserable. She’s a crazy hippie bird-lady that talks during movies, asks stupid questions and is kind of conceited. She talks all of the time about herself and is way too much of a free spirit for my sanity. She isn’t Jewish, but likes to sing Jewish songs (in fact, she’s doing it right now in the living room while I type this in my room) , pees with the door open, walks around naked, and is a bit of a neat freak.

Now, I realize that this is her house and she’s just letting me stay here because she needs help so I feel kind of guilty. I feel like I’m living with my aunt again, though this time at least I feel more free to lounge around if  I want to. I honestly don’t know why she annoys me so much, because she’ s a really good person with a big heart. Her mothering/nurturing drives me nuts though and I didn’t come here to spend every single second with her. She does give me my free time, but also mentions about 5 times a day how she is so excited to have a roommate to go to local festivals, restaurants and such with her. Why do I fight it so much? She’s just lonely and looking for companionship.

I think she is a bit of a wacko, but she’s also sweet and caring and knows who she is and isn’t afraid to be thought of as a freak (which is evidenced by her dancing in the living room and her strange choice of clothing). Maybe I’m just here to open my mind and stop being so afraid of what I don’t know.

I’m so conflicted!

*name changed