Hello World! I hate you again!

I am now back in familiar territory, hating myself and acknowledging that I’m destined to be alone. Don’t feel the need to console me or be positive because I’ve learned through all of this bulls**t with Jude that I’m not a positive person and never will be. I’m going to embrace my negativity and self-loathing and wear the warm blanket of discontent happily.

Sure, to “normal” people this sounds awful, but it feels wonderful and comforting to me. I’ve been this way for so long now that there’s really no desire to change. What would be the point, anyway? I tried the positive outlook and look what it got me. Nothing more than what I was getting with my negative outlook, so why do anything different?

I’m not a victim nor do I think that bad things always happen to me. I simply believe that life happens whether you’re positive or negative. I’m either going to meet someone or I’m not. I’m either going to have children or I’m not. I am really sensitive and feel a lot of empathy for people who are alone because I know what it feels like. I still want other people to be happy, even though I’m not. I don’t think the world is out to get me, nor do I hate men. Life is what it is and there are people more fortunate in the game of life than I.

I will no longer talk to Jude because there is no longer any need to. I spoke to him a few days ago and realized that he thinks I’m an awkward, stupid person. He was in Poland with a mutual friend and wanted to Skype, so I agreed. We chatted for a bit and our Polish friend mentioned that in Poland it is illegal to drink and ride your bicycle. If you get caught, your license will be taken away, and if you don’t have a license you will be unable to get one for 5 years. I jokingly asked if Poland was still Communist and Jude shook his head and said, “I KNEW you were going to say that. You went and mentioned the ‘c’ word.” To me it implied that he expected me to say something offensive and impolite, even though our Polish friend didn’t seem to think what I said was either. It pissed me off immensely and I decided after the conversation was over that I didn’t want someone like that in my life. Why would I want to subject myself to someone who said he was my friend, but disliked me so much? I beat myself up enough about my awkwardness, I don’t need someone else to help.

I’m sad and lonely sitting here in a strange city where I have few friends, but I can’t help but feel a little relieved that I can go back to being myself. I no longer have to try to talk myself out of being friends with Jude or liking my roommate. I can just ignore Jude and dislike my roommate and be happy. I don’t have to paint everything with rainbows or see everything through rose-tinted glasses. Like Tom Hansen in (500) Days of Summer, “…you can’t ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence. That’s all anything ever is. Nothing more than coincidence.”

Here’s to the next coincidence.